BULLYING: WHY?
We hear a lot about bullying these days. Is this something new or are we just hearing more about it now? If we define bullying as “One forcing his will over another’s will,” then it is as old as human history. So, why is it such a big thing now? To understand why this is true, we should examine some factors that are at work in today’s society:
First: Human Rights. Human rights as I see it is a good thing gone bad. We all believe in human rights; Every human should expect to be treated with dignity and respect. He should even have the right to equal and fair treatment. With that right, there is a responsibility to treat others the same way. With the increase of two working parent families and single parent families, the teaching of these values in the home has been neglected to the point that kids think almost exclusively of rights but not of their responsibilities. As long as
people accept the responsibility that goes with the rights, human rights is a good thing.
Here is how it went bad. These untaught children grew up. Therefore more people are focused on their right to receive fair and equal treatment without taking the responsibility to treat others the same way. People began demanding those rights without accepting the responsibility. This changes the whole picture; Now it has become a right to bully by banding together and demanding their entitlement to have those rights.
Therefore it now works like this: When the party of the first part forces his will over the will of the party of the second part, it is seen as a violation of the human rights of the party of the second part and cries are heard for action to be taken against the party of the first part by a party of a third part. This translates to a bigger bully bullying the first bully.
Here I would raise the question, can we stop bullying by bullying? My answer would be, yes we can for one particular incident. That’s why we do it. Can we cure the problem of bullying by bullying? Certainly we cannot. In fact we promote it with our own bullying.
Second: Political Correctness has become a phrase that raises a warning flag that we may say something that is offensive to some individuals or groups. Some judges in our court system have bent over backwards to not offend these people while ignoring the rights of the majority of the people. I am not aware of any right guaranteed in the constitution, to “not be offended” by words and actions of others. As a result Supreme courts even use their position as a bully pulpit to over-ride the will of the people in order to not offend a few.
Third: Parents train their kids to bully. How do they do this? Here are 2 ways I have noticed:
Number one: Parents boss or bully their kids. In my book, “Three Steps to Success in Parenting and in Life”, I define these parents as, “controlling parents”*. It is easy to see why conscientious parents would want to control their children. Isn’t that what parents are supposed to do?
As well meaning as these parents are, it still feels, to the child, like bullying. It is not hard to see why such children would use bullying tactics on others in school or elsewhere, to get what they want. They have seen it modeled. “That is the way we do things at home.” We should be more surprised if kids didn’t use bullying tactics with their peers.
It is essential for parents to control their young children. The quickest and easiest way to do that is bossing, (bullying) them so it is predictable that kids will learn to bully others. In the book referred to above,** there are strategies explaining how parents can get that control without bullying or teaching bullying. Often the kids that bully others are not bad kids they just don’t know what else to do to solve their problems.
Number two: The next greatest influence in children’s lives is what they see and hear by way of media; TV, action packed movies, electronic games etc. Much has been said about the violence in movies and electronic games so I will just say, “In the absence of parents teaching their children appropriate social values and behaviors to counteract the bullying portrayed in the media, the media will be the teacher and children will
learn bullying.” The less the parents teach the more impact the media will have.
Blaming the media for violence and aggression portrayed in the games produced and the violence and bullying that flood the movies has little or no value in solving this problem. Anytime we see the solution to a problem as someone else’s problem we are giving away our power to solve it. Having said that, what can parents do to solve this problem?
First: Parents can teach by example and words, better ways to solve problems. They can teach social skills such as respecting others and treating them with dignity and respect rather than bullying and teaching bullying.
Second: Parents can screen, monitor and limit the child’s media exposure and use. These things are not easy for busy parents but they will make a difference. We can prevent bullying, at least in our own children. If many parents do it we will make a difference in larger communities. If all parents do it we can make a difference in the world.
* “Three Steps to Success in Parenting and in Life” By Derold “De” Bates .Ed.S. See Controlling Parents, p 42 ;
** Ibid, Step 2; Getting Want-to Inside; P 15
Find the book on line at, successinparenting.com and click on Amazon; Barnes and Noble or Outskirts press.
e-mail questions or comments to:debates3@gmail.com
