Going From Controlling Children to Enjoying Them (even in their teens)
Sometimes it is not good to work yourself out of a job, but in successful parenting, that is precisely our goal. When a baby is born, he is 99% dependent upon his parents. By the time he is 18 years old he should be at least 95% independent. What goes on in those 18 years is what we call, “parenting.” So then, parents have about 18 years to transfer the control of a child’s life to the child. I call the ability to transfer that control the “science” and the “art” of parenting.
The science of parenting is strategies for parents to use that are designed to successfully transfer the control of a child’s life to the child. Parents hope this will happen but often do not follow a plan to cause it to happen.*
The art of parenting is determining how much and how soon the control is given to the child. For example, it would not be successful for a parent to transfer total control to the child on the first day of his life. It is not feasible to transfer total control the first week or the first month or even the first year. Likewise it would not be successful if the control is only transferred at high school graduation.
No parent who has control of his/her own life, would transfer control at the extremes described above, however, many parents will tend to transfer too soon while many will transfer too late. Sometimes it may be too soon one time and too late another depending on the parent’s mood at the time. Each extreme creates its own type of problem between parent and child.
Much more could and should be said about the, “Art of Parenting”.** In a nutshell it is transferring control as soon as, and as much as, a child can handle successfully. With that understanding, let’s talk about going from controlling to enjoying children.
Can you remember the excitement and joy you felt when your first child took his first steps? That same excitement and joy can accompany each successful step a child takes toward independence. Now fast forward nine years: 10 year old Jason arrives home from school on schedule and puts his back pack on the kitchen table. A permissive parent would say, nothing. A controlling parent would say, “Put your back pack in your room! You know it does not belong in the kitchen where I have to move it to do my work. How many times do I have to tell you? When will you ever learn?”
A parent who is enjoying each step would say, “Jason, How was your day?”
Then the parent would listen while he tells about his day.
Then the parent would say, “I surely appreciate your being home on time. You are good at coming straight home, thanks. That helps me to know when to expect you.”
Other possible dialogue might go as follows:
Parent: “Do you like it when I nag you about leaving your things in the kitchen?” If he doesn’t like it, and who would, the next question could be, “What could you do so I could never nag you about your back pack being on the table?”
Jason might say: “I could take it to my room when I first get home.”
Parent: “Great. Do you think you could remember to do that starting tomorrow?”
Jason: “uh huh”
Parent: “If you can do that, I promise I will not nag you about it, Okay?”
Jason: “Yeah.”
Now, let’s compare the responses of each of the three parents. The permissive parent does nothing and the backpack will likely continue to come to the kitchen when he is in the 12th grade (Jason will not correct the problem because he does not know there is a problem).
The controlling parent will predictably continue to control. After all, that is what parents are supposed to do, control their kids, right?. This will predictably lead Jason to rebellion by the time he becomes a teenager.***
Now, the other parent who is enjoying Jason is creating a situation for Jason to take a step towards his independence. This parent takes more time with Jason but it is positive time; and think of the time he or she will save tomorrow and each tomorrow to come.
It is not only possible but also advisable for parents who are “controlling” to go from controlling to enjoying their children (even in their teens).
*For a more complete description see “Three Steps to Success in Parenting and in Life” By Derold “De” Bates p 10-37 ;
** Ibid. see p iii also p39-42
***Ibid controlling parents p.42
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